Friday, January 11, 2013

How the Tree Monster AVENGED SNOT MAN (and scared a poor kid half to death)

Today there was a 'party' for the kids who got all A's and B's the past semester. It was pretty much just a bunch of nerdy kids in the cafeteria with a bouncy castle on the stage and Taylor Swift playing in the background, with Massah handing out Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches way more enthusiastically than he should have been.

Not that I didn't have the time of my life.

But you get the picture.

Anyways, the party took place the last period of the day. The class right before that, I got a new drawing from Lafflin, and was extremely disappointed that it was not delivered by him. I guess he just couldn't find me where he used to, after the schedule change.

So after that I stapled it to the Board and took down his old drawing of a superhero called Snot Man. Then I waited in Mr. Wood's class for the first fifteen minutes of the 'party', while he taught his class about a website. Then I asked him what period he has Lafflin, and went on to the party, carrying a dejected Snot Man with me.

The party consisted of a discussion of Libby's emotion problems involving cookie recipes, until I eventually got up to go see how Jake was faring. He was sitting way in the corner of the lunchroom with his Minecraft buddies, Jason the Jew and Mehul the Indian and Aaron the white kid.

Eventually the other girls came over to the table, and, long story short, they broke Jason's Rubik's cube and were trying with pathetic persistency to save it.

After a while, I went around to the other side of the table. Remember, at this point I was still holding Lafflin's drawing, which Jake and Aaron noticed, and asked me about. So I explained about Lafflin and his drawings, and how I'm his mother and IF YOU TOUCH HIM YOU DIE.

The following events took place in only a moment, but they completely changed everything that had ever happened thus far.



Jason and the apologetic girls were trying to fix a Rubik's cube.

I was kneeling on the ground by Jake. Jake was in a chair in front of the cafeteria wall, behind the circular table we were all crowded around.

Jake was holding the comic.

Aaron was sitting in another chair on the opposite side of Jake.

The circular table was in a corner.


And Aaron took the comic. And Aaron said,

"What would you do if I ripped it?"

And, at that moment, Aaron took his two thumbs and forefingers, positioned them in a small, unimportant corner of the page, And. He. Ripped it.

Over the screams from the jumpy castle, the party music, and the conversation and laughter of a cafeteria, the sound of a centimeter of paper being softly separated from itself tore into me. And in that moment - that exact moment - I stood up.

I climbed straight over Jake, at which point things started to stop, and people in the lunchroom started to go, "holy crap, what is happening," and the other side of the table was watching and listening as I screamed in poor Aaron's face,
"WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

I had climbed over Jake, who was sitting probably just a few inches away from Aaron. He suddenly realized that it was my obvious intention to pummel him to the ground. He backed his chair up so fast, clambering to get away as fast as I was clambering to get at him, and in the time it took for me to say that one sentence, he was against the wall and I was in his face, and he was absolutely trapped.

Terrified.

His folding chair hit the wall, and with the momentum of his trying to escape, it unfolded, and he toppled over onto the ground. At this point, watching poor Aaron on the floor of a cafeteria, scared out of his mind, as about four teachers and fifteen-odd students stood watching; as the principal walked curiously to the scene of an infuriated young girl standing over a body on the floor and a chair clattering on the tile; I realized what I had done.

"Aaron! Oh glob, Aaron?!" I reached down to help him up, and he squirmed away from my hand, trying not to show it but obviously scared out of his mind. I felt so bad. I really hadn't planned for that to happen."I'm so sorry Aaron! I didn't mean for you to be on the ground!"

He jumped up, gasping, staring at me. The principal was laughing hysterically, as was the rest of the table. I had never heard Jake laugh so hard.

The both of us were panting, and I wasn't done with him. "YOU JUST DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT." My arms were flying dramatically, hands outstretched with the palms facing up. "YOU DON'T RIP LAFFLIN'S PICTURES."

I paced around Jake, as Aaron hid behind him. "Man, I'm going to have to give him back this picture with a RIP IN IT. He's going to disown me as his mother, and THEN where will I be?! He's never ever going to give me his drawings AGAIN, all because YOU RIPPED LAUFFLIN'S PICTURE."

I stood there and slumped, quieted down. "...What am I going to tell him now?"

"...That you almost killed Aaron because of it?"


And that is why, children, you must never internalize anger. Bad things happen.

No comments:

Post a Comment