Believe me, I am really not that mean of a person. It's just that instead of calling people faggot or motherBLEEPer, I just get mad and splutter for a second and shout "FATTIE!" I honestly do not believe that the people I call fat are actually overweight, and I don't feel any hatred towards fat people whatsoever.
My friend Isaac is this big mexican football geek who was a bit chubby last year, but then he hit puberty and he's grown up instead of out. But, since I was one of his few freinds last year, I know he used to be fat, and he still is to me. He's just a fattie.
But recently, for some reason or another, I have been accidentally calling him fat on a semi-regular basis.
Like, in book club, I was sitting on this table, and Ms. Comma told me to get off because it was already broken. When I asked her how it broke, she said a student sat on it, and I asked her who it was and she said, "A BIG guy." And, in all the noise and adrenaline of book club, I said, "Was it I-" And Isaac turned around and stared daggars at me, at which point I started laughing uncontrollably out of insuppressible guilt and said "No Isaac, I wasn't going to say your name!" To which he replied, "YEAH SURE YOU WEREN'T."
Yesterday, the school's orchestra and band went on tour to elementary schools and played some songs for them, so they'd grow up knowing the difference between a violin and a guitar. There would always be this one kid at every school, sitting in the audience, extremely easy to spot because he would be dancing so uncontrollably: head-banging, hand-flapping, wherever the music happened to take him. These were the ones who we clapped for while they were clapping for us.
So anyways, after we got back we had this pizza party, and watched a movie. Only, the movie never started, so we were pretty much all just sitting around having the time of our lives entertaining ourselves with Huong's plushy santa hat. She took it off and I put it on my hand and made it talk like a puppet, in my best Ice King voice. It would swing around its big white fluffy nose and yell at people about how stupid they are, and then I would reprimand the hat for being so rude, and everybody would either laugh their heads off or stare.
This hat really had some sort of problem with Isaac (it thought he was going to eat all the pizza or something). So it would look over at him and paranoidly say things like,
And Isaac would look at me and go "WOW, SHADY." (Isaac tends to speak in capital letters most of the time, it's not just me.) But anyways, this hat would just be so mean about Isaac's weight, and on the way home from school Isaac was telling everybody about it.
"It wasn't me," I told them. "It was the hat."
But then after a while I ended up almost calling him fat again, and then Isaac lost it. He threw his hands in the air with a "WOW, SHADY. We're not friends anymore!"
"Isaac, I was JOKING. You're not fat. I promise."
He narrowed his eyes.
"You have a muscular build is all."
He kept looking at me.
"You have a football player's body."
Still looking.
"You have a hot body. It makes all the girls go *SWOON*."
By that time, Isaac's friends just lost it, and started laughing and laughing while I sunk deeper into the compliment-to-overcome-insult pit. But Isaac was still offended, so he stormed off and left us alone.
"He'll get over it," Aaron told me.
"Teenage guys are like teenage girls," said Jake. "They're all emotional and insecure."
"Yeah," I said. "Isaac's a drama queen. But I still feel bad..."
Then we laughed for a while until I suddenly remembered that I left my cello at the school. I turned around and ran back. I saw Isaac sulking around the parking lot with this random skater kid.
I would love to explain myself before telling you what happened next, but I've done it to myself. I'd sunk too far into the I'm-sorry pit.
The I'm-sorry pit is where you go when you have to keep saying nicer and nicer things to the person you've offended until you are completely drowning in giving compliments that you don't even mean, it's just the nicest thing you can think of to say, and after a while you have crossed the boundary line in leaps and bounds and have no idea where you are anymore.
The bottom of the I'm-sorry pit, just in case you were wondering, is usually a proposal of some sort.
The only way you will ever understand the next part of the story is if you've seen the Fionna and Cake Adventure Time episode. Otherwise, then you will eternally think of me as the strangest person alive and hate me forever. Or not. But my close circle of friends quotes Adventure Time a lot, so it made sense at the time to say what I did.
I was running, and then I saw Isaac there all sad, and before anyone knew what was happening, I was on my knees on the asphalt with my hands clasped together, directly in front of him. These were my exact words:
"Isaac, you are the hottiest hottie in the whole land of Oo and I can't wait to marry you."
Then I continued running, and called a "Please forgive me!" over my shoulder.
That was yesterday. It turns out I had forgotten Isaac's desperate need for female companionship.
...He's been calling me Shades all day.
.__.
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